Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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