Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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