yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
