you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
