I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
