Apparently you make a good broom.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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