I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
