It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
