Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
