are you so shy because you have an std?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
