How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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