i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
