like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I touched a dick in church today
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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