oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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