I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
