I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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