some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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