cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize