So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
