I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize