I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
