Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
