I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
