I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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