u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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