I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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