So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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