My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
