i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
