Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
