So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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