See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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