My nipple is on Facebook.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
