Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
