Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
