i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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