guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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