turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
