Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
