Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The Olympian is in my bed
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
