i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
