It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
