I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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