This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
