My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
