you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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