smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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