i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
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