The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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