dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
