I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
