When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
