How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
