I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
