the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
